Slow Healing
My post-surgery recovery is going well overall. I had a little setback last week when we discovered that one of my drains was clogged and was causing pain, swelling, and bruising due to excess fluid buildup. In light of this, I was only able to get 2 (of 4) drains removed last Friday. I will go back Tuesday for a check up. The previously clogged drain is still producing more fluid than is allowable for removal, so I may have to wait till the end of this week or even the following Monday for full removal. Sigh. I’m eager to take a shower and sleep in my bed again (my back is starting to feel the effects of sleeping in a recliner for so long). I know it will come in time.
I won't have a full range of motion in my arms for a while. Every movement feels tight. I'm slowly trying to extend my reach as my pain tolerance and internal stitches allow. I'm only permitted to carry 5 pounds right now, so I'm limited in what I can do around the house. I need help getting dishes off of shelves, opening tight pill bottles, reaching down to get shoes on, etc. So many basic movements I've always taken for granted! Another surprising realization is the challenge of even breathing in the midst of pain. Often, I've caught myself either not breathing at all or just taking shallow breaths to compensate for the pain. I was sent home from the hospital with a breathing mechanism called a spirometer to exercise my lungs. Again, a basic of life that I've taken for granted until now. Truly, healing is a slow and humbling process.
It's not a secret that this cancer journey has been stripping. It's stripped away everything outwardly that I've ever tried to lean on for feelings of wholeness or beauty or identity. It's been 8 months of what has felt like a beatdown. Waves that have relentlessly knocked me off my feet. And now I'm starting to see the light ahead. I'm so thankful to be healing post-surgery and look forward to feeling more and more whole as I adjust to my new body. I can't wait to feel pretty again with hair and eyelashes. I long to feel healthy, to be able to exercise and lose the weight I gained through chemo. But in the midst of all the feelings of loss cancer has brought with it, there is a solid wholeness and beauty and identity that I have through Jesus that has never wavered. This is what has given me hope, perspective, and strength in the struggle:
I am whole because I am loved and forgiven by God. Because my faith is in Jesus and his saving work completed for me on the cross, my wrongdoings and failures (past, present and future) are all paid for! I have no fear of judgement or condemnation in this life or the next. (1 John 4:15-19, Romans 5:1, Ephesians 1:7)
I am beautiful, not because of outward appearance or soundness of body, but because God is producing and growing in me a strength of character, an inner loveliness that only reveals itself through suffering. A beauty that doesn't spring from any natural tendencies of my own, but from God's good work in me. (Romans 5:3-5 and 1 Peter 3:3-4)
I have a solid identity because I am God's child, a dearly loved daughter. This is the core of who I am when all the excess is stripped away. I can never lose this. Nothing can separate me from God's persistent superglue-like love. (Romans 8:38-39, Ephesians 1:5-6)
Yes, my earthly body is wasting away, but my inner self is being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). This is the extraordinary hope we have as followers of Jesus.
Thank you for your continued prayer for us. I’m told full recovery should take another 4 weeks or so. Can’t wait to feel more myself soon so I can see and hug many of you! Thank you for standing with us through this crazy year!
Prayer:
For patience during the recovery process.
That my drains will slow down so they can be removed.
For my liver—that it will return to normal and that this is not a chronic autoimmune issue. A blood test last week showed that my liver numbers were coming down but still not normal. I’ll have another blood test in a few months to chart the progress and a CT scan October 28 to cover the bases. Please pray for a clear scan!
Picture: (1) I’m so thankful for our back deck and this beautiful weather to be outside during recovery. It helps me breathe both physically and figuratively! (2) My Mom and Anthony have been amazing caregivers!