Baby Steps Forward
My drains are out!! Woohoo!! They were removed this past Monday, and I feel SO free. Getting a shower after 3 weeks of cloth bathing was definitely a highlight. I’m still experiencing pain, but each week is better. And I hope to be able to drive soon as I work on getting my range of motion back. I’m doing exercises like shoulder rolls, arm circles and “wall crawls” where I walk my fingers up the wall and reach my arm as far as possible, holding the stretch while breathing through the discomfort. Over time I’ll be able to get higher and higher until I can do a full extension. Once again, recovery is a humbling, slow process!
In other exciting news, I’m starting to get some hair on my head! It’s very fine and patchy, and currently just looks like a five o'clock shadow, but it’s growing again. (I’ve been bald for so long, I had this irrational fear that maybe it wouldn’t return. Phew!). I’m so curious what it will look like. I’ve heard about “chemo curl” from other cancer survivors, so I’m excited to see how it comes in. I also see little eyelashes peeking out and eyebrows forming. Truly, it is the little delights on this path that make such a huge difference. This is a journey of iterations. Baby steps. Getting to the next trail marker one tree at a time.
As I nurse my physical wounds back to health, I’m also starting to sort through the emotional wounds from this past year since 2024 began. While Anthony and I are certainly elated at my cancer-free “survivorship” status, it’s been more of a sober celebration. I know that may sound strange, but after the flurry and exhaustion of the last 9 months, we are only now starting to process what actually happened! With a cancer diagnosis, everything starts progressing so quickly. With every difficult step you’re simply trying to wrap your mind around this new reality. December 2023 I was healthy (so I thought), carefree, going about normal life, anticipating all the possibilities the new year would hold—our oldest heading to college, our youngest starting his Junior year of high school, Anthony pastoring and plugging away on his doctorate, and me settling into a new job. Then January 2024, I found a lump. February, I got tests and a biopsy followed by a cancer diagnosis. March, I started chemo and the rest is a blur. September brought surgery. October, recovery and a new body that doesn’t feel like “me” yet. And as life takes on a slower pace with fewer doctor’s appointments, it almost feels unsettlingly quiet. The upheaval of the last year is starting to come into clearer focus. Now, we’re figuring out what a new post-cancer “normal” looks like.
Going forward, I will reference my life “before cancer” and “after cancer.” A diagnosis is one of those life-altering events. Moving on sounds promising, but it’s also hard work. I’m a new person with a different perspective and adjusted priorities. I want to continue being a loving wife, mom, daughter, sister, a good friend and faithful employee. I also now want to make space for exercise, preparing healthy meals, and counseling, and maybe even continuing to write in some capacity. And as the undercurrent through it all, I want to continue communing with Jesus. I recognize my physical limits and time contraints now more than ever. It’s a good wake up call. A good time to take inventory and evaluate. How can I be faithful with what God’s given me, limits and all? Lord, help me figure out what a good life balance looks like now.
So you can pray for us in this way—that God would clearly lead us in this new season. We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them (Ephesians 2:10). A man’s heart plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9). So Lord, teach us to number out days! (Psalm 90;12). And without a doubt his goodness and faithful love will pursue us all the days of our lives (Psalm 23:6). As he was with us through cancer, he will be with us in this new terrain ahead. What a comfort to know His steady character is unchanging, and we are not alone.
Thank you sincerely for your cards, meals, gifts, and prayers. You remind us that there is indeed a lot to celebrate!
Prayer:
For the Holy Spirit’s help and clear leading as Anthony and I seek a balanced new “normal” post-cancer.
For continued healing—decreased pain and increased range of motion as I work on my stretching exercises.
For sleep. I’m able to sleep in bed now (yay!), but I’m a side-sleeper unable yet to roll over due to pain, so my nights are still restless.
I have an appointment to get my port removed on October 17. Please pray it is an easy, uneventful process (The procedure is done in the office with novocaine while I’m awake). My surgeon is expecting a baby due November 1, so please pray I get in before she goes into labor! :)
For my liver to return to normal. That my CT scan on my abdomen October 28 will come back clear, and my bloodwork on December 16 will show my liver numbers have returned to a normal range.
In general, you can pray for no long-term ill effects from chemo and no recurrance of cancer!