Probability or Providence?
I, Anthony, am taking a turn this week, as Sarah is pretty wiped out these days.
This past week brought some much-needed recovery and relief. Sarah finally turned a corner on Wednesday regarding the intense nausea. The fatigue remained, but she was finally able to go for a walk around the block without stopping on Wednesday. It’s the little victories!
It was a quiet week for Sarah and me as our kids were out of the house serving as counselors at our church’s Kids and Cubs In Motion camp (our version of VBS). The energy 270 children bring to our campus makes this my favorite week of the year at church. Unfortunately, I missed most of it as I am self-isolating due to Sarah’s depleted immune system and the amount of sickness going around. But our kids had a blast…and are exhausted!
The big news: MONDAY IS SARAH’S LAST DOSE OF THE RED DEVIL! And the last of this entire phase of chemo, for that matter. On Monday, Lord willing, Sarah will be ringing that bell!
Sarah’s blood tests certainly reflect the impact the chemo has had on her, but we are grateful it appears they won’t need to rest her. This is a huge answer to prayer in that Sarah will be on day 14 after treatment when we move Maddie into her dorm at Pitt on August 18th! Please join us in asking the Lord to allow us all to be healthy enough to make the trip to Pittsburgh.
Two friends reminded me today that after the battle we had with Sarah’s levels from week to week with the first regimen, not missing a treatment during these last four doses has been a huge answer to prayer. Sarah and I marveled the other day at how the Lord also worked everything out for her to participate in all the major milestones this summer—Maddie’s graduation, vacation, and move-in. That was so very kind of the Lord! Thank you for praying.
The wrestling match: The other day I verbalized to two brothers who have been praying unceasingly for us that drawing to the end of the chemo season is bringing with it the same anxiety I felt when we first faced the diagnosis. As terrible as it is, there is a strange sort of comfort and sense of control when you are in the middle of chemo for a treatable form of cancer. There is a plan. It’s what statistically works. We are fighting. There is even a bit of adrenaline that goes with it. But when you get to the end, you realize there is a fair amount of reality that must be faced.
Certainly, surgery is one dose of reality, but with that comes new scans and pathology to see how advanced the cancer was at the outset. We also learn if there was a complete response to the chemo or if we are looking at further treatment.
In my quiet moments, worry creeps in as I weigh endless possibilities.
The Lord recently met me during my time in His Word on the back deck in those quiet early morning hours. My eyes drifted to a note I wrote in the margins years ago at a conference that said, “Do I trust probability or providence?”
Providence is best defined as God’s holy, wise, and powerful preserving and governing all his creatures and all their actions. It was written next to Psalm 33:13-22:
[13] The LORD looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man;
[14] from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth…
[16] …The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
[17] The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue…
[20] …Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
[21] For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.
[22] Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.
I can summarize this passage as follows: God's will overrides all odds. His love is our certainty and hope.
At that moment, the Holy Spirit convicted me of how often my hope has been in probability rather than God’s loving providence. In this passage, the probability of war victories in the Ancient Near East was determined by armies, strength, and horses. For me, I was placing my hope in the probabilities of high cure rates, good doctors, and cutting-edge medicine. Mind you, I am thankful for all of those things, but they are unreliable and cannot hold the weight of my hope.
What can hold the weight of my hope? The steadfast love of the Lord, most profoundly seen in Jesus laying His life down for rebels like me, supersedes any other earthly hope I could set my heart on. When everything around me changes, God and His steadfast love never will.
I imagine a cynic or two wondering if I always believe that. The answer is yes and no. There have been times during this process when I have had peace, hope, and joy when it should have been impossible. But I can name for you one hundred times since January when even a simple phrase uttered in passing could derail my trust in God’s love and care for me for a week.
It is then that I am thankful that even though I change almost constantly, God never does. Nor does His love for me. He has tenderly reminded me of this over and over again through His Word, in times of prayer, and through the love, prayers, and encouragement by so many of you.
This is a glorious week. My bride has fought valiantly, and I am so proud of her. I cannot wait for her to ring that bell! Thanks to many of you who have carried us in so many ways. Please continue to pray for us through these next two weeks that we will put our hope and trust in the steadfastly loving providence of our God, who never changes, slumbers, or sleeps.
Prayer Requests:
For courage for Sarah to walk into the cancer center Monday morning to get the final infusion.
For significant and meaningful closure with the many nurses and medical workers who have cared for us these past six months, that we would be salt and light for Jesus. Thank the Lord with us for how he has shown us His mercy through the capabilities and kindness of these new friends.
For protection during the after-effects of this last dose.
For recovery enough for Sarah to be able to join us as we move Maddie into Pitt on August 18th! Pray that we will all be healthy for the trip.
For a complete response of the cancer to the chemo - and that Sarah will never need chemo again.
For no involvement of the lymph nodes.
For Anthony’s stamina as he has been increasingly overwhelmed, tired, and discouraged lately, especially since we are having to isolate more.
For our busy week of doctors’ appointments: We meet with the surgeon on Tuesday - pray for clarity and wisdom regarding timing and options. And Sarah has a cardiologist follow up on Wednesday - pray that all is normal.
Pictures: (1) A light moment while cooking; (2) Asher with his campers; (3) Maddie at camp on water day