No headaches! And One Day at a Time
I had no headaches this week—the first since treatment started! Even with the fatigue, nausea, and bone pain on my "crash day," it felt so much more bearable without throbbing in my head. Thank you for praying specifically for this. Please continue!
A challenge has been regulating my borderline anemia. The chemo has sent my hormones and cycle all out of whack, so I had a GYN visit added to the mix this week. As usual, my team of doctors is so helpful with options to manage the many side effects that have come along with the chemo. Please pray we can get this under control soon to avoid a blood transfusion or further interruptions to treatment.
My blood work results also came back questionable today. My liver numbers are high, and platelets are low again, so we are wondering if my doctor will hold off treatment on Monday. (Sigh). We'll see.
Isn't it crazy how little control we have in life? In this season, this reality is in stark clarity for me. I can drive myself crazy trying to do "all the right things." At times, I've been in tears reading through cancer websites written by well-meaning people who give me their hundred-step process to healing and vitality, and I just can't keep up. Most days, I'm doing well to finish my 80 ounces of water (and I should be drinking more!). Don't get me wrong, I'm all about pursuing healthy practices to care for my body as best I can. Still, the bottom line is I don't have absolute control or authority to make it all work right. I don't have that much power. I didn't want to have cancer. I avoided sulfates, parabens, and even fragrances for much of my life. Never took much medicine. I tried to stay active, eat healthy and in moderation. Etc, etc. Yet, here I am. Even my doctors, with all their education, experience and insight, have limits on what they can accomplish. They sometimes scratch their heads. They are only able to respond to what my body gives them.
Ultimately, I am dependent on God's providential authority. And while the "control freak" in me hates that reality, the "small child" in me is actually relieved. I wouldn't be relieved if God were a selfish, reckless tyrant. However, God, as illustrated in the Bible, is a good Father. His character defines love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
His unchanging nature does not deviate from perfection in all these areas (Hebrews 13:8). It's impossible for him to act otherwise. And this good Father is the one holding all things together (Colossians 1:17). I can breathe. It doesn't all depend on me.
So, when I'm frustrated with the process, that I may need to pause treatment again, that this may take longer than expected, that my blood work is not cooperating, and the results may not be as planned... I must keep returning to what I know to be true about God. He is good. He loves me. He's holding this together even if it's not making sense to me. And I pour out my heart to him (Psalm 62:8). I don't hold back. I cry. I ask him my questions. And I also ask him to help me trust him.
One. Step. At. A. Time.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:26-27) — I woke up with our windows open one morning this week, listening to a solo bird chirping, and this verse came to mind :)
For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in all He does (Psalm 33:4).
When I am afraid, I put my trust in You (Psalm 56:3).
[Jesus says,] "I am the good shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me" (John 10:14).
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning (Psalm 130:5-6).
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer (Romans 12:12).
Ways to pray:
For doctors' wisdom to proceed in the best way to cure the cancer while also protecting my body. Pray particularly for wisdom with the immunotherapy (Keytruda). There is a chance that this could be the culprit. While it would be disappointing to stop, we are grateful for the impact it has already had.
That my cycle will regulate without hormonal intervention.
For our Saturdays as we get blood work results. This seems to be a consistently difficult day of the week for Anthony in particular. It is a combination of consistently confusing or difficult news when the report comes back, prep for Sunday as he finishes his preaching outline (and no doubt spiritual warfare), and it's another day where he feels he needs to be vigilant. Even his "days off" feel heavy.
Pictures: (1) Rob and Cheryle spent their Friday afternoon weeding, mulching and landscaping our front flower beds. It looks beautiful! Thanks to them and to Heather for coordinating! 2) Our "sink verse" this week was timely.