Week 3 and Our Suffering Savior
Here it is, the end of my third week of treatment, and each week has looked a little different. I did not rebound on Friday as quickly as I usually do (the cumulative effect of chemo). But early in the week, I started well. I sailed through Monday's infusion (with my Mom and sister, Anna, by my side) and still had energy on Tuesday. I got some work done, went for a massage, my guts were more regular (TMI?), and I thought perhaps I had avoided the headache this time around. Is it possible my body was adjusting to this new pattern?
Until... the migraine woke me up in the early hours of wednesday morning. Ugh. Hard to fully open my eyes, let alone function. And yet I had a voiceover job to do that morning before the kids got home from a half day of school, so I had to at least make an effort to move. As I let the Excedrin Migraine take effect, I sunk into the couch with my hands physically open to the Lord in my lap and wept. I didn't have to explain how I felt. Jesus already knew. He was there in my suffering, understanding, identifying, praying for me (Romans 8:34), perhaps even crying with me over the grief of it all (as he did at the death of Lazarus in John 11). And it hit me in a new way, in this passion week, that Jesus understands every pain, every heartache, every suffering to a degree I will never fathom. And in some small way, I am identifying a little more with his suffering this year.
I've contemplated in fresh ways what he endured on his journey to the cross during this week 2000 years ago...
Jesus understands my distress and longing to escape this road of grief. He experienced deep sorrow and anguish in the garden of Gethsemane, sweating drops of blood, pleading with his father to remove this cup from him if there was another way. And ultimately willingly submitting to the suffering; he knew this path was the only way through.
Jesus understands my headaches. He had a crown of thorns shoved into his head.
He understands my dehydration in its most severe form—he was only offered sour wine for his thirst.
The shame and exposure I felt getting my head shaved was nothing compared to the humiliation and spectacle he experienced hanging naked on a cross to die.
He understands my fear of a major upcoming surgery. His flesh was mangled and torn through brutal scourging, nails, and a spear.
Not to mention the betrayal, denial, and abandonment he experienced from his closest friends in his darkest hours. And the unjust mocking, scoffing, and insults of his tormentors compounding his suffering.
He endured the pit of spiritual darkness—"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 27:45)—as he, the innocent, paid for the sins of the world.
There is no suffering I have or will ever experience in this life that Jesus has not. He can identify and respond with real and present help in any need. Truly, there is no other god like our God.
But our Savior's suffering was not the end—Sunday was coming! In a renewed way this year, I am also celebrating the joy of his transformative resurrection. Jesus conquered death, sin, sickness, and cancer, so that it does not get the final say. We live with it temporarily, but because he lives and is coming again, I have the unwavering hope of an inheritance secured for me in heaven free from suffering, sorrow, sickness, and tears (1 Peter 1:3-4). My life is "in Christ," so what happens to Jesus happens to me. Because he lives, I, too, will live. This temporary, earthly life is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory that exceeds far beyond my limited imagination. And there is a great cloud of witnesses—friends, family, loved ones—who have already passed into this glorious reality before me, anchored in faith to this same Savior. What a day it will be to reunite with them again and worship our Jesus together face to face!
Thank you, Lord, for showing us through Jesus that you are able to turn what appears to be the worst-case scenario, the most hopeless situation, into the most beautiful upside-down redemption. Though I can't see the big picture, I trust you are doing good in my situation as well.
These scriptures have brought life to my soul this week:
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh... knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence... So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. —2 Corinthians 4:6-11; 14; 16-18
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment..." —Revelation 21:1-6
Prayer for this next week:
First a praise... I can feel my tumor shrinking! It's less than half its original size. So so thankful. It reminds me why I'm doing this!
Please keep praying for a "complete response" to the treatment.
For endurance and not dread as I face each week of treatment.
For my blood counts to remain in a stable range so treatment can continue as scheduled.
For relief from the headaches that seem to come regularly since chemo started.
That God would meet each member of my family in a personal way, giving them perseverance, hope and joy as this season wears on them in different ways.
April is college decision "crunch time" for our daughter, Maddie. Please pray for clarity as we help her weigh her top 3 options and commit to a school.
Pictures: (1) My Mom and sister, Anna, accompanied me to my chemo infusion this week. (2) Anthony preaching at our Good Friday service at New Life Dresher. You can watch here.