Sturdy Hope
To say I'm thrilled to be finished with my final AC chemo treatment is an understatement. That reality is what got me through this past miserable week of side effects. Today, I was able to get up and actually make my own breakfast (baby steps) but was soon back in bed with nausea. Each day gets incrementally better. I am hopeful that the tide will turn this coming week as it has in past weeks.
We had a great meeting with my breast surgeon, Dr. Delach, this past week, confirming that I will proceed with a bilateral mastectomy with implant reconstruction. I am still waiting on a call with an early September surgery date. (We’ll keep you posted!). Feeling so sick, I didn’t have my Cardiology appointment this past week as planned, so it’ll be rescheduled to a date closer to surgery. I'll have an MRI this Tuesday 8/13—please pray for great results! Doctors will not be able to ultimately confirm how my body responded to treatment until after surgery and pathology, but it would be wonderful if this MRI would at least hint at a complete response!
In the meantime, I am so grateful to be able to drop Maddie off at Pitt next weekend! It is a landmark on so many levels—my little girl is spreading her wings, and I'm finished with chemo! Wow, this is not how I expected to send my daughter off to college. However I am amazed and delighted that I have been able to be part of all of her major moments in this past pivotal year. Truly, the Lord has been dictating every twist and turn of our journeys. As you can imagine, it’s difficult for Maddie to leave for college just before my surgery. While I’ve assured her that there is nowhere else I’d rather she be than at Pitt, it’s understandably bittersweet. Please pray for both of us as we take these steps of faith. As God has taken care of us to this point, he will continue to help us navigate the days ahead.
It may sound counterintuitive to say I'm grateful for God's hand in all of this, because of course there is the reality that he could have dictated that this not happen at all.
Romans 5:3-5 gives me perspective on this hard road:
We [who have faith in Jesus] rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Why can I be joyful while I'm suffering? Because…
Suffering produces endurance.
Endurance produces character.
Character produces hope.
Hope does not disappoint, it stands the test, it doesn't leave us wanting.
Why does this sort of hope not put us to shame or fall short? Because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. It's a hope outside of myself. It’s not just hope in human doctors or medical treatments that may or may not meet my expectations. It's a hope in God’s love for me. He showed his love for me by dying on the cross in my place and rising from the dead. And his Spirit reminds me that he’s already done all the hard work of securing my eternal salvation and home with him, so I can't lose—even if this life is full of hardship (see Romans 5:1-2). For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
Suffering in this life is purposeful. It’s creating something in me—endurance, character and hope. Without adversity, would I understand true hope? Would I even need hope without hardship? I don't understand all of God’s purposes, but I trust his love for me is at work in the suffering.
So do I hate cancer? Yes, with all my being. Death, disease, grief, and misery were not included when God created everything perfectly (Genesis 1-2). Man's waywardness and disobedience messed everything up (Genesis 3). Jesus set things right through his death and resurrection, but we won’t see the full beauty and restoration until he returns with a new heaven and a new earth with no more tears, death, mourning, crying, or pain (Revelation 21). For now, we see in a mirror dimly, but when he returns we’ll see him face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12). Come, Lord Jesus! I can’t wait until that day! In the meantime, I wait with sturdy hope.
Prayer:
That my MRI on Tuesday will come back with good results. Please continue praying for a complete response to treatment.
That we will have a sweet last week as a family before we drop Maddie off at college next weekend.
That the Lord will prepare me mentally, emotionally and physically for surgery in early September.
Pictures: (1) So thankful for our wonderful team of nurses at Jefferson who took such great care of me through 6 months of chemo treatments (16 treatments in all)! I sincerely could not have made it through without them. (2) It was special to have Anthony and our kids there to celebrate the milestone of ringing the bell.