Re-entry
I’d be lying if I said re-entry into normal life has been a breeze for Anthony and me. The truth is, the pace has been difficult to re-engage. During cancer, all of the extracurriculars in our personal world paused. Life outside of medical appointments slowed down. We were simply fighting for my physical life and that was enough. But after bushwhacking through the thick of it on the cancer front we're feeling out of gas as we try to merge back onto the freeway of regular life. We either don't have it in the tank or simply don't desire to go back to the frenzy of high RPMs.
Abiding in Jesus in the "everyday" post-cancer feels hard in a different way than our medical journey did. While we have a renewed thankfulness for life and are beyond grateful to be finished with frequent doctor visits, the common questions, decisions, and ups and downs of living that require wisdom and emotional and mental flexibility stretch us to our limits on many days. It would feel easier to hide.
It sounds crazy, but even basic things—meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, housecleaning, car repair, sorting through finances, getting back into physical exercise, reconnecting relationally with the broader world, fixing small maintenance issues around the house, navigating life and decisions with our kids, re-entering fully into our jobs—can feel so overwhelming. Don’t we all experience these daily worries and pressures? Anthony and I are basically re-entering into everyday life! And even with so much to be grateful for, the “mundane” on a good day can still feel hard.
It's easy for me to feel ashamed for worrying about such trivial things as compared to a life-threatening illness, but none of our concerns are insignificant to God. He knows and cares about all of our needs, big and small (Matthew 6:25-34). He entered into our humanity and “gets it” (Hebrews 4:15). You would think that after a year of watching him provide for us in so many personal and intentional ways, we would have learned not to worry or fret. And yet, our flesh is hard-wired to fear. We depend on God’s Spirit at work in us to adjust our perspective and redirect our gaze above (Colossians 3).
As I was taking these things to the Lord this week, confessing to him my fears, worries, lack of faith, etc.—I literally made a list for him in my journal of all the burdens on my heart—he directed me to verses that reminded me of how he carries us. I was so relieved and comforted as I sat in these words of truth. His faithful carrying goes back, not just to this past year, not even only to my personal life-span, but back generations upon generations. There is a great cloud of witnesses that testify to his faithfulness and how he has cared for, provided for and carried his people through every type of upheaval imaginable. Thank you, God, for your consistent track record. Whether it be cancer or simply the pressures of everyday living, help me to rest in your unwavering love and capable, strong arms that carry me:
The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place. —Deuteronomy 1:30-31
Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all the remnants of the house of Israel, who have been born by me from before your birth, carried from the womb; even to your old age I am here, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save. —Isaiah 46:3-4
For he said, "Surely they are my people, children who will not deal falsely." And he became their Savior. In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them; in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. —Isaiah 63:8-9
Prayer:
I have an appointment with the GI doctor on December 5 to follow up on my dilated bile duct (found in a recent scan). Please pray that this abnormality is indeed just the way my body is situated and nothing concerning.
I will have labwork on December 16 to check the status of my liver. Please pray that my liver is back to normal and remains stable.
As I type this update, my mind is flooded with faces of many friends who are still walking hard roads. I continue to pray that the Lord will bless and keep you dear ones who are in the Valley. May you be keenly aware of your good Shepherd’s strong arms carrying you.