I Think I Can, I Think I Can…
“Your bloodwork looks really good!” It’s the first time I’ve heard this from my doctor or nurse practitioner since I started chemo back in March! The greatest relief behind these words is it appears my liver has recovered from the adverse effects of the Keytruda. We’re thankful that so far, my body seems to be doing better with this AC portion of treatment than the Taxol/Carbo.
Ironically, I feel worse on this chemo. Nausea and fatigue are overwhelming at times (even on nausea meds), along with reflux, bone pain, and a general sense of feeling “unwell.” I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed out of necessity this week, riding it out. So grateful to Anthony, the kids, and my mom for picking up the slack while I'm down.
With all that said, I'm thankful to have two AC treatments under my belt—and only two more to go. I'll admit, it feels hard putting one foot in front of the other right now. Please pray for endurance to the next tree!
Lord willing, we are planning to take a spontaneous family vacation to Cape May next week. If my body responds like last time, we anticipate the nausea to lift early in the week. And even if the fatigue sticks around, it will be nice to be tired in a different place. The sea air will do all of us some good. We haven’t been sure to this point if a getaway like this would be possible. So to have this opportunity is truly a gift. Please pray that I feel up to making the trip on Monday.
I'm continuing to work my way through the Psalms with my friend Dale Ralph Davis (affectionately known in our household as “DRD”). Psalm 13 has encouraged my soul this week:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes,
lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
The Psalmist is not afraid to pour his emotion out to God (v. 1-2). He says four times, “How long?” It feels like you have forgotten me, hidden your face from me, given me over to my sorrow, and handed my enemy the victory!
Nor is he afraid to thoughtfully reason with God (v. 3-4): Consider and answer me, O LORD my God. Notice the 3 “lest” statements: Do you really want me to die so the enemy thinks he's won and that you were not willing or able to save me?
I have a little note jotted in the margin of my Bible that says, “The Psalmist is asking the right questions of the right person.” Our difficult emotions and questions do not put God off. Jesus, too, asked hard questions of his Father in his darkest hours (Matthew 27:46, Mark 14:36, Hebrews 5:7). He’s not a stranger to grief and sorrow (Isaiah 53:3-4). I’m so thankful for a God who has lived in our flesh and understands our raw lament and honest arguments.
The turning point of hope at the end of the passage (v. 5-6) all rests on the reliability of God's “steadfast love.” Even if I don't understand anything else about what's going on in life right now, the one thing I can count on is God's relentless, never-ending, pursuing love for his children. This word for steadfast love in the original Hebrew is hesed. DRD says this about God’s hesed:
It is not merely love but loyal love, not merely kindness but dependable kindness, not merely affection but affection that has committed itself. It is not simply love but love that has ‘stick-um’ on it, love that refuses to ever let go.**
This is the same term used in Psalm 23:6: “Surely goodness and hesed will pursue me all the days of my life…” I love DRD’s insights on this verse and how God’s hesed pursues us:
The verb ‘pursue’ (‘follow’ is too weak) is frequently used of enemies pursuing someone to do harm. But here David stands that verb on its head. He says he is so cared for that it's as if Yahweh* has two special agents, goodness and hesed, and these two Yahweh-commissioned agents stay in hot pursuit of David, always seeking to waylay him and heap more of God's kindness and goodness upon him!**
This is what I'm standing on—God’s unrelenting, pursuing love for me, his child. I can count on his character. Even in the darkest of valleys, when my feelings try to convince me otherwise, I know in my core God’s love is trustworthy. It’s not in question; He proved it on the cross, giving up everything for us to show that there is no length he wouldn't go to save us. His hesed is my hope in this season, my anchor in life and in death. Because this is true, I can say with the Psalmist, “I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
Prayer:
That our family is able to enjoy restorative time away in Cape May next week.
For endurance for Anthony as he bears a lot in this season. It's both emotionally hard for him to see me suffering, and also a weight on a practical level day in and day out.
Pray simply for courage for us to take the next step. I have PTSD walking into the cancer center these days. I don’t want to do 2 more rounds of this, but I have to. Please pray for peace when fears arise and for determination to see this through.
For a “complete response” to this treatment (ie: no remaining cancer cells when chemo is over). We continue to pray the “passover prayer”—that the chemo will kill the cancer while passing over important/healthy parts of my body. Pray also that no cancer cells have spread to any lymph nodes, as this would extend treatment.
Pictures: (1) AC round 2 is done! (2) Anthony had the sweet opportunity to preach at Seven Mile Road Church this past week. Afterward, they prayed for our family. This is the same church body that sent Ajay to preach at New Life the first Sunday after my diagnosis. So thankful for these dear brothers and sisters!
*Note: Yahweh is God’s personal name in Hebrew: YHWH. Like my name is Sarah.
**From Dale Ralph Davis’s book: Slogging Along in the Paths of Righteousness: Psalms 13–24