The Next Round
I was able to receive my last (12th) Taxol/Carbo treatment this past week. I'm thankful to have finished "Chemo Round 1"! The last half of the week was tough, with migraines, body aches, and extreme fatigue. I received Granix injections Wed-Fri to keep my WBC (white blood count) up to give me a running start as I go into the next phase of treatment, which is much harder on my WBC. (And sure enough, today, my blood test results showed that my WBC is through the roof). My liver is still "off," but thankfully, 2 of the 3 liver numbers came down even while weaning off Prednisone. Please pray for stability with these numbers as I go through this next round (as we've been told that this chemo is most effective if I can stick with it consistently).
This Monday, I will start my new chemo regimen of AC (Adriamycin/Cytoxan). I'm not gonna lie; I'm anxious about it. I have not heard anything good about this phase from others who have gone through it. This chemo is more brutal on my heart and immune system. Nausea, fatigue, and mouth sores are also more significant side effects. My body struggled in the first half of treatment, which was supposed to be the "easier chemo," so my mind and heart naturally fear the worst for the next round.
Once again, I must keep my God in view and remind my ever-wavering and fearful heart of what is true. Even if this phase does turn out to be wretched, I am not alone—God, who has walked through suffering and death and overcome it, is fighting with me, for me (Psalm 18). I have seen him fight for me repeatedly throughout my life, meeting me in unique ways in hard places. Even when he doesn't lift the suffering, he walks with me through it and never leaves me alone. He will give me exactly what I need when I need it. He knows every nook and cranny of my body because he made me (Psalm 139:13-16), and he knows what I need before I even ask him. So I continue to cry out to him, trusting that he is over all of this and holding everything together (Colossians 1:16-17).
Psalm 3 was a comfort to me this morning:
O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, "There is no salvation for him in God." Selah
But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah
I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.
Arise, O LORD! Save me, O my God! For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked.
Salvation belongs to the LORD; your blessing be on your people! Selah
David wrote this when his life was in danger—his son Absalom had turned against him and was trying to kill him and overtake his kingship. I have a different enemy than David, but the threat and fear are the same. And more importantly, our God is the same. This psalm reminds me that God is…
My shield, my protector, my defender
My glory, my substance, and sufficiency
The one who lifts my head, who restores me both now and in the days to come
The one who sits on high and yet answers me when I cry to him; who is not far off, but accessible and listening*
In light of who God is, I can sleep and not fear. I wake up because he sustains me. I depend on him for everything, so I unreservedly ask him to "rise up and save me" as I walk into this next week. (He has already saved me, ultimately, from eternal death through Jesus. What a gift that he cares even about these "smaller" fears too!) Knowing he is by my side heading into this next round of chemo gives me strength, courage, and steadiness I wouldn't have otherwise. Please pray "that the eyes of my heart would be enlightened" to spiritual realities that are true for me in the midst of suffering (Ephesians 1:16-23) and that I will rest in who God is in the days ahead.
(*Dale Ralph Davis's insights helped me this morning, giving depth and further understanding into Psalm 3 from his book The Way of the Righteous in the Muck of Life: Psalms 1-12)
Prayer:
For no long-term issues with my liver or neuropathy
For bodily protection as I head into this next round of chemo—specifically, protection for my heart and immune system, as well as relief from nausea and mouth sores.
That he would kill the cancer (with a "complete response") while protecting the good parts of my body for long-term health
Ephesians 1:16-23 is a wonderful passage to pray for my family right now—that the eyes of our hearts would be enlightened to know (1) the hope that is available to us in Christ, (2) the riches of our inheritance, and (3) the greatness of God's power working in us and for us.
For a great week for our kids who are currently at YoungLife camp (Maddie as a server on Work Crew and Asher as a camper).
Pictures: (1) Thanks to Lisa for accompanying me to my infusion this week! (2) Grateful for this ice mask given by a friend that brought some headache relief this week (I wasn't able to take migraine meds due to my elevated liver numbers)