Sowing in Tears, Waiting for Harvest
Trying to find a rhythm with cancer is like trying to find a schedule with a new baby. Just when you think you've found some consistency, something changes! The "new" thing this week was that I woke up on Tuesday with flu-like symptoms and a fever.
The doctor said these can be side effects of the Taxol (one of my chemo meds). So I monitored symptoms and took a little nap.
Around noon that day—24 hours after my infusion —all the symptoms went away! I'm interested to see if this will be a new Tuesday norm. I still crashed Thursday. Friday, I was tired, but had a little more energy this week than last. So the ebbs and flows continue! Today my bloodwork results came back stable and my liver numbers continue to come down to near normal range (yay!), so I expect to proceed with my next treatment on Monday.
I go about each week doing as many "normal" things as my body will allow—taking walks, running kids around, working from home, a quick trip to the grocery store, church on Sunday, etc. I'm thankful that so far I have not needed to spend days in bed. In fact, at the start of this, I think I expected to have more "down time" to do some reading or quiet activities, but overall, life remains relatively active (having teenagers might have something to do with this!). I'm not going to as many social events, but my days are full, and I'm thankful for purposeful things to put my hands and mind to.
I woke up on Thursday morning with a song going through my head, taken from Psalm 126: "Those who sow weeping will go out with songs of joy" (you can listen here). So, I've been meditating on Psalm 126 this week:
When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
The context of this psalm is a community remembering back to a time when God had so blessed them that they were "like those who dream." They couldn't believe the wonderful things God was doing for them! Their mouths were filled with laughter and shouts of joy, and even those around them were noticing, saying, "Wow! The Lord has done great things for them!"
In the second part of the passage they are now in a season of need and lament, and asking the Lord to once again "restore their fortunes" and give fresh running rivers of water in the dry desert they are experiencing. They are asking for renewal! They are anticipating that they will see God's faithfulness once again: "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing sheaves with him."
I resonate with both portions of this passage…
I look back on my life with the first part of this psalm and remember countless times of wide-eyed "dreaming" and "laughter"; amazement at God's blessings and "fortunes"—finding it hard to wrap my mind around all of the goodness that He has given. Indeed, most of my life has been the first part of this psalm! The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad.
And now in this current season of my life, I identify with the lament and longing of the second part of this passage. Even this week as I've chatted with others who are also in the midst of their own personal deserts, I've cried out with the psalmist, "Please Lord, restore our fortunes like making streams of water in the desert! In a dry, cracked land where there shouldn't be flourishing, please make it fruitful!" And I find hope in verses 5 and 6: "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him." Yes, Lord, let this be so!
Right now I sow in tears. In some ways, even the idea of this hard time of my life being a season of "sowing" is encouraging. It reflects the fact that it's purposeful: hard work looking ahead to a reward, a good result, something worth the toil. It's not wasted time, no wasted tears. It's like a farmer intentionally planting seeds in the ground, anticipating the harvest. Honestly, I don't know what the harvest will look like. For sure I have an eternal harvest waiting for me in heaven (I talked about this last week and in other posts). But from the context of this psalm, it seems to refer to even earthly "fortunes" and "sheaves"—tangible things that people around this community could look at and say, "Wow, the Lord has done great things for them." So, I don't know how the Lord will answer in my particular situation (or in my friends' situations I'm praying for). It may not look as I expect (for example, even "good health" is not a guarantee in this life), but I cry out to him, asking him to bring about a fruitful harvest that inspires me and those around me to erupt in spontaneous shouts of joy! "Look what God has done!"
I wait on the Lord for these things. I know my good, loving heavenly Father is working behind the scenes in ways I can't see, weaving a beautiful tapestry, a work of art yet to be revealed. I know he is in process, completing the work he started in me (Philippians 1:6). I know that somehow he is taking both the sweet and the hard and working it all together for my good (Romans 8:28). And I can suffer well because he strengthens me to do it (Philippians 4:13). Though I don't see the finished picture yet, I wait with hope (Psalm 130:5-6).
Please pray...
The culmination of Maddie's senior year brings with it many events that I would like to be part of: prom, graduation, grad party, eventually dropping her off at college. Please pray that I will have the energy for these milestone events, and for creative wisdom to know how to adjust when needed.
For grace to be flexible and content with an amorphous summer. It's impossible to plan a family vacation or any time away not knowing how my chemo weeks will align or how I'll feel from week to week as treatment progresses. We understand this is just going to be a unique summer, and we're trusting the Lord for refreshment in the midst of the daily/weekly plod.
For endurance over the long haul with the daily side effects from chemo-mouth sores, nausea, fatigue, headaches, hot flashes, constipation, interrupted sleep, etc.
Picture: I was thankful to have my dear friend Linda, a breast cancer survivor herself, along with me for my 7th treatment this week.